it's been forever.

unfortuantely it's been almost six weeks since i've last posted. i feel like this one's not going to be very poetic at all, but more sort of list-form observations and experiences from this past month and a half.
*fiestas patrias: 18 de septiembre was incredible. i was here last year for these chilean independence day celebrations, but this time was certainly different and i'd venture to say better. this celebration doesn't hold a candle to the 4th of july, although family picnics and summertime are nice. it is the most extensive, drawn out celebration of all. for example, this year the actual 18th fell on a tuesday. the 19th is also always a holiday where they celebrate the naval glories (like when they took all of bolivia's coastline...). so there's two every year. of course because it's a tuesday, we must do a "sandwich" as they say (yes, in english) and have monday too. which means, saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday. oh and the celebrations at the universities begin the thursday before... so that's a week really- non-stop. and, because everyone travels to their respective homes in smaller towns and the countryside, we definitely shouldn't have classes the thursday and friday afterwards (20th and 21st)... so, right, that brings us to a grand total of... ELEVEN days of no responsibilities. marvelous.
we didn't do anything big (the bus ticket prices go waaaay up for those dates), but i did accomplish something i'm quite proud of. the chilean national dance is called the "cueca". it is a partner dance that is danced the same way every time (in terms of steps; there's clearly elements of style that can be better or worse). i decided that after hearing "que la grina baile cueca" so many times last year as they tried to make me dance, i was actually going to learn. parenthesis: they only really ever dance this dance on these independence celebration days and at weddings. so i learned. i spent afternoons with the janitor in my building at the university practicing and downloaded all of the songs i could. the big celebration at the u involves a LOT of cueca, so i came prepared. needless to say, i was a success and had a great time.

cueca!

mi huaso!real huasos

*october: i've always known that my birthday month was great, but i had no idea how much so until this year. i swear that i have never in my life been exposed to so many people i care about having their birthday in this one month! specialest ever john, really nice german friend eva, my two bestest bestestes here in concepcion sally and mere, 3 of the 7 kids i work with at my volunteer job, 4 of my favorite students, the cool profe i teach english to and my best chilena friend. it's honestly been a whirlwind of wonderful.

*english classes: i am taking this really cool class at the U called "analisis sociometodologico de etnias" which has its base in the chilean indigenous groups, pewenches and mapuches. the professor is one of those facinatingly intelligent types that could teach about walls and you'd probably still listen with captive attention. along from taking his class, we have started private english classes twice a week. the first time i went, he explained that he needed to study because he was hoping to apply to do his doctorate in the US starting in 2009. where? i asked. well, the sister program that our U has is with... SLU. chuta, profe, i said... we're going to be neighbors! destiny sometimes works in mysterious ways :). regardless, he's a very nice man who tries very hard with his english. he's become a good friend (a friendship with a future, yay!) and the classes are really nice to help me make it to the end of the month.

*volunteer work: after almost 7 months of "ganas" or the desire to find something to do as a volunteer, i finally was able to incorporate myself into a program that works with young people who've had trouble with the law and who are now studying in order to reincorporate themselves into the chilean education system. i'm not sure the idea translates so well, but i have been helping them with the (very basic) english part. it's a great deal where i work at the U thursday mornings and then get a bus across the river to san pedro de la paz where i go to the first center. after an hour or so i take the bus back downtown where i am able to visit two other centers and help with their classes. it's been incredible. to be honest, i really really enjoy kids. i know we knew this before, but i've always been wary of the teenage demographic. i mean, i'm by no means over it especially when i'm at the last center in a small room filled with tweleve 17 and 18 year-old boys who've been in trouble with the law for things from petty theft to homicide and their sense of machismo has them tend to say whatever they want to me or about me... but i am enjoying the one on one time i've had with a few of them or the two or three within the loud, rambunctious group who actually pay attention and care. like i said, the one center has been intimidating, but challenging... and challenges feed my soul. the other thing that does so are the moments when after class i stop by the fruit stand on the corner of rengo and freire and have a 30 min. conversation with my favorite student, giovannie. his family runs the stand and he works there from 9-2, then he goes to class and afterwards either goes back to the stand or goes to skateboard. really great kid... makes me smile.

*esperanza: this word, esperanza, means "hope" in spanish. i have recently decided that it is a theme for my life. my volunteer organization in santiago was called "voluntarios de la esperanza" and the program i mentioned above is run through a group called "tierra de esperanza." i feel an though this word sort of sums up how i feel about people and about life in general. raul's still going through the visa process... and all we've got is "esperanza." i try to look at each of those kids i talked about from the last center and see esperanza. like the kid that had his eye all bandaged up last session because they had stabbed him... in the EYE. i have "esperanza" that maybe next time he won't say as many crude things in my classroom. or that maybe he won't get into trouble with the law again. i feel like "esperanza" is just that, hope. but it's also the belief that hoping is worth it.

once de septiembre...chile.

I imagine that the average "american" doesn't know, but the 11th of September marks a dark day on the history of other countries than just our own. "El once de septiembre" of 1973 was the day of the military coup lead by General Agosto Pinochet which violently overthrew the socialist government of Salvador Allende (needless to say with much help from the good old CIA and other US govt organizations). This day, where hundreds of leftist leaders and activists were taken prisoner and crammed into the national stadium marked only the very beginning of a 16 year terror-centered dictatorship. During this time, Pinochet not only "saved" Chile from economic ruin (as critics of Allende claim would have happened if his administration had continued) and set it on a course of fast-track economic development which have put it at the top of the Latin American ladder but also, along with his secret police, caused the direct death of over 3,000 people (many of whom are still considered "disappeared" as the bodies were thrown in mass graves in the desert or the sea) (see: voces) Beyond that, over 27,000 were victims of torture both in military detention centers and in the chilean equivalent of concentration camps. The scars of this regime, which ended in 1989, are present still today on almost every aspect of Chilean character and national identity.
Last December, after everyone had looked away thinking he had recovered from his most recent heart attack, Agosto Pinochet died. Many were sad and lit candles and sang songs to the person they considered "su salvador" from the dark life under communism. Others were disappointed that he had not been brought to justice. But, most were just happy. The most "just" part of the whole thing was that he died on the very day that is the antithesis of his existence- International Human Rights day. Because of this and the great joy the chilean people felt to finally be out from under this man's shadow (even though he had been out of power for as long as he had it), the demonstration/march that the families of the desaparecidos and the victims of human rights violations had planned turned into a party. Not so much celebrating the death, but more celebrating the new life that can be found in healing. This march, which filled Plaza Italia and closed down the main central avenue for the whole day and into the next, was not your typical chilean "protest". In general, their soccer team wins or they are mad about the transportation system, they go out and break glass and vandalize and make a general ruckus. This was just the opposite. Happiness, joy, singing and dancing were the only things present on this day.
It was an incredible feeling to see so many different sides of a people I've spent so much time observing (and eventually becoming like). And it was beautiful to share such a collective joy. Here are some videos:


I should have written this a long time ago but I figured today was sort of appropriate too.


more videos but internet is slow... will post soon.

why him?

most of the people who are reading this know that my heart belongs to a lovely young man named raúl esteban cortés solís from las condes, santiago, chile. but why? i've thought about it many times and have often shared bits of this big "why" with random people but i want to take this opportunity to write about the love of my life...

to preface this great tale i have to mention that before coming to chile in 2005 i was DEAD set against not falling in love. at that point in time there existed a great stereotype about girls from wash u that went abroad to chile: they either came back married or pregnant. in other words before leaving the only comment people seemed to have was: so i guess when you get back you're going to be like in love with some chilean guy then, huh? needless to say this was quite bothersome. i took it upon myself to be the spokeswoman for single wash u girls living it up in chile. we were something like 13 women in a group of 17 and by the time the 4th or 5th month rolled around and no one was seriously dating i couldn't have been happier. i was convinced that we were the ones really making the most of our study abroad by not relying on another person to define that experience but rather independently getting the most out of our stay. i admit, i had casually dated a couple of guys and had enjoyed that part but it certainly hadn't defined my experience by any means.

skipping over the long part of the story, when i met raul, i was really really reluctant to accept what was in front of me. i was at the end of my 5th month in chile with only 2 left. i had been so against the idea of really "falling" for someone that i almost made the horrible mistake of letting my stubbornness win over something wonderful. finally (and luckily) i got over my anti-chilean tirade and saw the beauty of what had come into my life. to illustrate a little bit of what i felt, i'll post here an excerpt from an email i had sent to my best girl friends back home when i realized the "big-ness" of what was happening between raul and i:
"More than anything else I'm happy not to doubt. I don't ever worry if he
likes me as much as I like him or if he'll call or if he wants to spend time
with me when I want to spend time with him…because we always seem to be on
the same page. And yeah it's puke-on-your shoes, gag-me cute, but whatever.
Also, it's amazing to "love" in Spanish. Just a completely different,
sometimes difficult but always "sigh" experience. And like I said to my
fam, I know it seems like this is something that's going to further tie my
heart down in Chile..."
and that's what happened. the thing that originally made me stop focusing on my silly crusade and really see what fate had brought me was this man's incredible honesty. since day one i have not doubted a word of what he has said to me. even though at times it seemed incredible and intense and even a bit crazy, i've always known it was true.

since that initial acceptance of this new step in my life, there has been so much more to love about raul esteban. this man is faithful like no other. we spent 10 months apart while i finished my degree at wash u and i never once doubted that he was where he said he was, doing what he said he was. he works at a bar and i never ever worried that he would "hit on" some other girl or even look twice. i feel as though the way he feels about me is as pure and true as anything.

another one of my favorite things is that he has the heart of a child.
in this life that everyday i feel i have to take more seriously, he and his lighthearted spirit bring endless joy to my existence. it's silly things really like rolling up in a blanket and making up a song about catapillars or doing the "happy dance" about eating ice cream or seeing the joy in playing futbol with the neighbor kids... all while i'm worried about paying the water bill or cleaning the floor. he brings me back to the things that matter. he shows me what's really important while at the same time supporting and fostering our "real" life. he has real prespective on things. worry when things are important but don't stress about stupid little things. sing songs instead :o)

Along with bringing joy to me with this incredible inner-joy, he also has an undescribable way with children. we have one friend here in concepcion that has the cutest little 5 year old daughter EVER. she's the quietest, shyest, sweetest thing... and she absolutely ADORES raul. we went to her 5th princess birthday party and everyone was amazed not by the atrocious amounts of candy or the color pink but by raul, who spent the entire 4 hours right up in the thick of things, surrounded by princess crowns and "dancing" kindergarteners. and not because anyone told him to, but all on initiative of his own and all long after the rest of us were way over the shrieking, whining, crazy mess. all of the moms commented on how great he was and what a wonderful father he'll make someday... wow.

introducing raul to new people is one of the best parts of my life. i swear that every time i bring him to meet a group it's the same story. he walks into the room with an ease that floors me, immediately is able to converse with whoever i first introduce him to and transmit that crazy "buena onda" (sorta like good vibes) to everyone present. the first example of this was when i brought him to meet my coworkers at the community center in santiago.
as is typical, i was nervous to introduce my significant other to people i worked with... i must have been crazy. it was such a pleasure to be able to see the way they adored him from the first moment that i even felt it was sort of a compliment to me. even though i certainly wasn't looking for external validation about what i feel for him, i was like "wow... he really IS as wonderful as i think he is and i cannot WAIT to introduce him to everyone when we someday make it to the states." since this instance the situation has repeated itself numerous times- with my volunteer friends, with my university colleagues, with new conce friends (gringos and chilenos), with people's family's that we meet, etc. etc., etc. his personality, his energy, his easy smile and incredible laughter make him so easy to like, and love.

beyond being wonderful to the outside world... he is amazing to me. his committment runs on a level that sometimes i can't even believe. from day one, i have felt his support of and his certainty about us as an entity. since we first started talking seriously, i have known that he will come with me back to the states to make a life. and absolutely NOT because he has no ties here in chile or has always wanted to go and is looking for a was. his family is INCREDIBLY close, supportive and wonderful. he, we, have an amazing group of friends (also incrediblly supportive) who we will miss terribly. but yet i know that he, deep in his heart, has an endless appreciation for the efforts i've made to be a part of his life here in chile that he will not hesitate one moment to do the same in order to continue and enrich our life together.
also, he is a helpless romantic. as i mentioned before there are times i can get caught up in being too responsible, too focused, too "fome"... there is nothing raul loves more than to turn on romantic songs (english and spanish), hold me tight, and dance around the living room while making up his own lyrics about how wonderful i am and how amazing what we have is. truly flooring.so, although i never wanted to fall in love in chile or so young, there are obviously loads of reasons why this man has won my heart... and why we'll stay together, forever.

"buenos aires, mi querido..." revelacion dos.

right. so the only way i can think of to describe the second big thing i realized while in buenos aires is: it made it all worth it. not that it made up for the things i was unsure of or convinced me that everything was going to get better for my students or for the educational system in general... of course not. what i realized in buenos aires, after meeting so many interesting and inspiring people was the following: life is SO much bigger than me or my plans or my ideas. there's really a lot of ways i could explain this and to be honest it's not the first time i've realized this, but it really was one of those "ah ha!" sort of moments. this can be illustrated by such small things as more quality time with a girl who i had met at the Chile ETA orientation but who is placed waaay far in the north and thus i never see her. just one of those people that you get along with really well, same "onda", similar tastes, similar current situations, etc... so much so that it's almost a shame you don't live in the same city... or even close. or it could be big things. things that are so big that they're almost inexplicable. meeting someone that you feel like you've known forever... but yet never run out of things to talk about. someone who fits like few people in life ever fit. someone who challenges you as an intellectual, as a friend, as a professional, and as a person... on a whole other level. as i said, i can't really do it justice through a post on a blog... but it was incredible. i really could babble on for another paragraph or so, but i don't feel like that's necessary; it would only scratch the surface, and this is anything but superficial.

anyways, this sort of realization made me think a lot about other things too. about destiny and fate and God and all those deep things we sometimes get too busy to think about... see upcoming posts for other examples, but in summary it made me feel totally out of control... but in a really comforting way.

"buenos aires mi querido..."

just as the old tango says, this city could not be closer to my heart. but, during my recent trip, courtesy of Fulbright, i experienced more than just the rather materialistic, pretty superficial feelings i'm prone to have in this incredibly cosmopolitan, gorgeous, stylish, hip, entertaining, ..., city full of culture and art and shopping and exquisite food where moreover everything is SUPER affordable. it was more than just these things in many ways. i was lucky enough to meet some really incredible, highly motivated, articulate, intelligent people from all over the states that are currently living some unbelievable situations in way rural Argentina, middle-of-nowhere Brazil, and many other places. but beyond just the experience itself, some things just hit me that week. i feel like i should share these revelation-sort of moments in stages, just because they really are so polarized in their nature.

to begin with, one of the big moments i had while in BsAs was a sort of reaffirmation of one of the things that has bothered me most since being in Concepcion and working at the university. the occasion was in fulbright-speak a regional Fulbright English Teaching Assistants Enhancement Workshop. in real people language it was basically an idea-, experience-, hardships-, solutions-sharing opportunity for us ETAs that are based in Chile, Argentina, Uruguay and Brazil. through this interchange i had the pleasure of listening to people just like myself talk about some of the incredible activities/programs/talks/events they had done including workshops about the different racial and gender based vocabulary that is used in the US, the history of immigrants and their role in building what our nation is today, slang and how it reflects the value systems of today's youth... i could go on and on. they were all disseminating information and opening up discussion about these truly interesting and moreover intellectual topics that i myself would have loved to participate in. now, you might be thinking, "wow, so then, you must have gotten a lot of good ideas from your fellow fulbrighters during this workshop." well, yes, i did get a lot of GREAT ideas, but there's a big BUT.

i really do try to be positive. i don't like to tear into chilean culture (no matter how frustrating it gets sometimes) or make sweaping generalizations about "latin america" or any people in particular. that being said, i have to admit that as i listened and was concurrently disappointed at myself for not having done such things and motivated to get right on that, i knew that that motivation could only carry me so far. in thinking about the realities that exist in my university and in the kind of students in my program, i had to tell myself not to get my hopes up. as i said, i try to be optimistic. but the unfortunate thing is that one also sometimes has to be REAListic. i tried to imagine myself organizing an activity (be it lecture, roundtable, workshop, whatever) on one of these themes and it was absolutely impossible for me to see my students taking an interest.

i feel like i can rant on about this forever, so i guess i'll just keep going. i am not judging my students at all. i fully recognize that not only are a great majority of them from background in which very little (if any) intellectual stimulation has been present, but they are also products of a system. it is this very same system that now has them churning through what i basically consider to be an "english teacher-making machine" in which they are given the exact courses to take at an exact moment in time with a fixed amount of work to do to get a passing grade. because of the way this system is set up, they very much conform to it. there is no search for higher knowledge. there is no craving for extra information. there is no internal desire to discuss and analyze and ponder. and it is really disappointing.

the reason it affects me so is not only for my own personal sense of acheivement and self-pride, but rather that this is just a general characteristic of their existence. i wish i could say they only just don't care about english or anglo-culture or something, but that's not the case. so, as i struggle to find a way to be able to encourage that spark in maybe even ONE student this coming semester, my fight is a much more profound one too. how can one make real progress in this sense? how can we motivate our students (within la Universidad Catolica de la Santisima Concepcion, Pedagogia en Ingles program) to want to take the extra step, any extra step really? To want to look beyond what is written or said or heard?

so, here i am. back from what i would probably say is my favority city in the world, back in concepcion. back from theatres, boutique shopping, cafes, big beautiful parks, art museums, amazing restaurants, back to my little apartment that looks out over a pair of soccer fields that are nothing but dirt and two goals. back to the simple life that i love for what it is, with the same sort of doubts, the same sort of challenges, but this time framed in a totally new sort of way.

chilean cold

as we all know, i should have started this blog thing a long time ago... that being said i am going to periodically post things i've written in the past but not had the forum on which to share. as we struggle through the third month of crazy chilean winter, this one seems unfortunately appropriate. was written last year during my time with voluntarios de la esperanza in Santiago:

Sometimes I sit in my Chilean room with my Chilean bed and my Chilean blankets and I feel like I might die it’s so cold. There is no such thing as Chilean central heating. Chilean hot water is not a given, even the barrios altos. After my going to El Bosquecito campamento for the first time with Marcelo and Matilde that day in June, the Chilean cold I feel is different. I don’t know how to explain it, even though I know it’s very simple. After being in Maria and Sandra’s house, seeing it’s small room and makeshift kitchen, both created by “walls” full of holes and barely standing up and knowing that the “second floor” was probably a pile of disintegrating mattresses and blankets chewed through by who-knows-what, I am colder every time I sit in my bed with my nice new down comforter and three pillows. I am colder because I think of my girls. I think of them curled in little balls trying to keep warm and wonder how they fall and stay asleep while shivering so much. I think of them when it is not only cold but raining and I can’t keep images of their whole “house” filling with water, not only cold water but water that will later contribute to the further disintegration of their few belongings, out of my head. I think to myself, “how can they do it?” And for the very fact that I think that, I feel colder.

first entry

so i've started a blog. i have to admit that this is one aspect of technology that i had not plugged into... until convinced by some fellow foreigners in chile to take the plunge. i hope it will serve a purpose, even if it is just to put words down somewhere for... posterity or something. here goes...